It’s 11:30 pm on a Sunday evening. I should be drifting off, I should be fighting with my eyelids that are trying their best to shut preparing to sweetly dream the night away. I’m lucky enough to say I don’t have work tomorrow. Yes, I don’t have to face those Monday blues everybody dreads. But besides all this, I lay wide awake, stuck in my head.
Im frustrated. Why can’t I sleep. It’s that time of day to switch off, relax. If only it was that simple. Note to self: Design an off switch for the brain at night. What a genius business idea Tay. You’ve always wanted to work for yourself. Think of all the people you could help. Egh. Wishful thinking. No matter how hard I try to block it out, anxiety comes crawling back digging its claws into whatever is going on and blows it all out of proportion. Im lucky that I’ve never had to be hospitalized. But 5 months of therapy and numerous sick notes later, its still hard. I thought by now I would stop worrying about smalls things like was I too blunt in that text I just sent or is it a good idea to go on that night out with the dance girls even though its not for another few weeks. I barely know them as I only joined a few weeks ago. Will I be too socially awkward? What will I wear?
I feel so selfish for saying that. I know that I shouldnt compare. But there are so many souls out there who are going through a hell of a lot worse than me right now and im sat here writing this feeling sorry for myself???? I guess its because I’ve been doing so well self medicating. (Not with drugs, or alcohol may I add- a great song, cup of tea, and a bath can do the trick) Moods and behaviors seem to creep in when I least expect it. For some time I feel like I can handle it. Its not until it starts to suffocate and strangle even the simplest things of daily life that I realize its power. The control it can have on me.
You’re probably wondering what the point of writing this was, and to be honest, i’m not entirely sure. I guess I just needed to get how I was feeling out of my head. Does anybody else do this? They do say that just speaking about it helps and I have always agreed with this. Years later from being diagnosed with GAD i’m still learning, growing, adapting. There are dark days. Hopeless days. Isolated days. Days full of worry. I can go on. Its just remembering how to deal with these days, I’ve done it many times before. This year I’ve started the long process of hacking away at my problems, buried underneath the soil and digging out the roots that go incredibly deep. Its been difficult so far. But now I have made space it is easier to see the tangle I was in. Its clear to me now how certain individuals I was involved in had a huge impact on my emotions and how I felt about myself, its time to cut that out.
Sometimes I just wish I could go a whole week without my mind getting into some kind of tangle. A whole WEEK is all I ask. How do people do it? Teach me your ways. I want my peaceful nights sleep back.